


(I'm Not) Lost At Sea

by AlexC



Category: No Fandom
Genre: Being At Odds With Yourself, I'm Going to Hell, I'm Sorry, I'm Trying..., Identity, Identity Issues, LGBTQ Character, LGBTQ Female Character, LGBTQ Themes, Overly Religious, Paranormal Reference, Personal struggle, Religion, Religious Conflict, Religious Content, Religious Discussion, Sexual Identity, Will I Be True To Myself?, biblical reference
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-23
Updated: 2015-04-23
Packaged: 2018-03-25 08:15:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 825
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3803245
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlexC/pseuds/AlexC
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If I'm going to hell, so be it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	(I'm Not) Lost At Sea

My mother continued to try to make me change my mind. She continues to fight me on all that I believe, and uses the tactic of saying, "This is not how I raised you" to tell me I'm wrong.

She doesn't want me to be  _"of the world,"_  and she doesn't want me to  _"burn in hell."_

But in all honesty, I don't care.

Unfortunately for her, I've jumped overboard into the shark infested waters and am watching the ship sail away.

I see the countless others clogging this ocean, desperate to get to safety. Fearing their death. Fearing what's left.

Dehydration, starving, drowning, or being killed.

There is the unknown in these depths, and there's no real way to go.

We are all floating in the middle of nowhere. No land for miles, and not much to rest on.

The dorsal fins of the devils of the sea are not far away. I can see their glassy eyes not far below the waves.

Yet, despite all these sharks swimming so close to me, despite being able to feel their fins rub up against my calves and their snouts beneath the soles of my feet, I can't bring myself to regret my decision just yet...

My brothers and sisters, those like me, who cannot accept those rules that say we cannot love whom we love, we are connected in an ever growing fight to make it out alive.

I see as they valiantly swim out to gather pieces of drift wood, and scraps wherever they can find. I am proud of that which they have made to help bring those like us to safety.

There are some of those in these waters that deny the ship is there at all. The say there is nothing but this water that engulfs us, and the inevitable death we have to face.  
I, in contrast, acknowledge that the ship exists, and I know that if I call to the captain who is watching all of us that are in these waters, he will gladly save me. But I just can't. I won't.

My ideals are too high.

My beliefs, those which I have come to accept on my own based on research and experience, are all too strong.  
I may be taken to the ever burning flames worse than those of Darveze at some time in the future, but as of now, I am fine, content, and in a way free.

No one can tell me whom I may or may not love.

No one can judge me for what I do with some of those here in the murky wet by the light of the moon.

I can wear what I desire and eat what I like.

I sing the songs which speak to my heart and speak to my body, and speak however I like.

Yes, I know of many who used to fight that they were glad they were in the water.

I even knew of one who thought one of her greatest achievements was jumping overboard and then saying that there was no true difference between the ship and the sea. Yet, after a number of years passed, she changed her mind and reformed. Said that the ship was the best thing that could ever happen to us.

Said we needed to see the light and go back with the captain who went out of his way, sacrificing his life and the love of many, just to help rescue us despite all our "unworthiness."

Her story was not unique, nor is it one that will ever stop repeating.

I hope dearly that I never make a change like that, and if I do, let it not be for a silly notion such as fearing what will happen once I die. But rather, if it shall happen, it will be because I had a change of heart. A true change that came from within, from my reasoning, and from a place that calls me to him.

SS Dieu is a brilliant ship, of such beauty it is impossible to describe.

It is said to be the most beautiful ship ever to exist, and I do not doubt it.

It has many rules, yes, but none as strict or as archaic as many of the others that have made their ways along these waters.

Though, at times I do have an inkling of something, and sense of wanting, I know I could never board that boat.

I am not pure like those on the deck.

I am not innocent like those near the doors.

I am too stubborn, and much too selfish to ever accept letting someone else so thoroughly control my life.

If that change ever comes, if I ever soften my heart enough to let him break me apart and make me whole up there again, by Jove, it will be a miracle.

But miracles do happen, and they happen in their own time.

**Author's Note:**

> This was a bit wishy-washy, wasn't it...


End file.
